The Revolting Cheerleaders' Hunger Drive
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TWO BRIEF EXCERPTS
Brief Excerpt #1
Mark Afterburner. (Entering) Look at this, guys.
Matt. Look at what? Another box?
Mark. Somebody donated a whole box of salted nut rolls.
Lance. I love salted nut rolls. (The girls look at him like he’s nuts)
Abby (In reference to Lance) It takes one to know one.
Lance. (Not hearing Abby and still in love with nut rolls) I really do!
Erin. Put them over in the corner with the other stuff, Mark.
Mark. You don’t get it.
Sarah. Don’t get what, Mark?
Mark. This is a drive to help the poor. Since when do the poor need salted nut rolls?
Harry. They need vegetables and cheese.
Matt. Broccoli and tuna!
Mark. Not salted nut rolls!
Lance. I worked up an appetite carrying all these boxes of cans in here.
Scott. Ya know, he’s right. I’d kill for a salted nut roll right now.
Lance. Or maybe three or four.
Matt. (Oblivious to Scott’s interruption) Ya. Salted nut rolls might be bad for their health.
Sarah. Huh? Why?
Matt. Might make them fat.
Elvis. Be bad for their teeth! Might give them cavities!
Lance. Ya. The only thing worse than being poor, it being poor and fat with oodles of cavities in all your teeth.
Mark. How do you know that the people getting all this food really need it, anyway?
Sarah. (Dumbfounded) How do we ... ?
Mark. What if they are only pretending to be poor?
Sarah. But there is some good stuff in there, too. Mark brought in a box of salted nut rolls!
Jennifer. I’m hungry. I could go for a salted nut roll. Where are they?
Erin. They were over there (pointing in general direction).
Sarah. If you’re hungry, go to the vending machine. All this stuff is for the poor!
Jennifer. I’m poor. I’ve got seven brothers and sisters, and a lousy $15 a-week allowance.
Sarah. If you’re poor, go to the food pantries. No pillaging!
Jennifer. If they have salted nut rolls there, I’ll go. I’m addicted to them!
Erin. (Looking where the salted nut rolls should be) Hey, where are they? They were right here!
Stephanie. We’ll they’re not there now.
Monica. Maybe somebody moved them?
Abby. Good deduction, Mr. Holmes!
Erin. Did any of you see them while you were taking inventory?
Monica. I didn’t.
Abby. Not me.
Stephanie. I don't like salted nut rolls.
Sarah. Nobody asked you if you liked them. Did you see them?
Jennifer. Maybe there are mice in here?
Abby. Or squirrels?
Stephanie. Whoever heard of squirrels in a school?
Abby. How long have you been around here?
Having weathered the storm that arose when Erin proposed that the Cheerleaders no longer provide “snacks and drinks” for the football team, and the ensuing coup d'état, which ousted Stephanie as Captain of the squad and replaced her with Erin, Sarah now proposes that the Cheerleaders organize a school-wide “food hunger drive.”
When the squad concurs, the girls organize the drive and assign roles. The football team is given the role of transporting the donated foods from the parking lot to the Cheerleaders’ practice room for storage.
All goes swimmingly, until a large donated carton of salted-nut rolls disappears. Their honor, as well as the school’s, being at stake, Sarah, as food drive chairman, appoints Erin and Abby to ferret out the food thief or thieves.
Football payers, who are notorious eating-machines, are suspected.
Cast: Total cast of 12; 6 Men and 6 Women
Performance Time: Approximately 40 minutes.
Cast of Characters
Sarah Lipgloss: Secretary of the Student Council.
Newest cheerleader. Born to be a
lawyer. (73 lines)
Monica Chase: The quite girl. Pretty, but not quite as
pretty as the rest. Indecisive. Not
into sports. (50)
Stephanie Chevelure: A Brittany Spears-type blond. Very
good looking and she knows it. She
expects men to worship her, and
girls to do whatever she tells them.
Has no use for Abby or Erin. (87)
Abby Dolan: Another cute brunette. She is a
pistol. She's funny, but can be
acerbic. Very quick and articulate.
Has somewhat less than no use for
Jennifer Follow: Stephanie's most loyal supporter. A
boy-crazy follower. (55)
Erin O'Connor: A bright, straightforward, brunette.
The girl next door type, but with a
neat sense of humor and an "Irish"
Harry Jockstrap: The President of the Student Council.
Also a lesser member of the football
Scott Superbowl: The quarterback. Erin's erstwhile
significant other. The team's
acknowledged leader. (51)
Matt Deepout: A wide receiver. Jennifer's boy friend.
Lance Lugnut: Lorelie Lugnut's older brother. A star
offensive lineman. Not intellectually
gifted. In fact, possesses the IQ of a
tackling dummy. (44)
Elvis Houndog: Stephanie's true love. The middle
linebacker, and God's gift to women.
Mark Afterburner: A running back on the football team.
A bit of a skeptic. (29)