The Day Black Bart Balderdash and Dangerous Dan McGrew Nearly Went to Dueling at Miss Kitty's Golden Nugget Salloon
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A Brief Excerpt
Sammy Sluice. (Entering and not realizing a duel is in progress, as Dan is about to say “three,” Sammy Sluice, a gold miner, runs through the front door and directly into the line of fire. Bart and Dan both draw, and appear to shoot Sammy as he passes through the line of fire.) The drinks are on me! I’ve struck it.....
Everybody in the bar except Dan and Bart. Three!
Sammy. (Hearing the guns shoot, Sammy stops, and looks about and collapses, center stage) ... rich! (Sammy collapses, appearing to have been shot dead)
Dan. That goes for me, too!
Bart. (To Dan) I think we done shot the wrong person.
Dan. ‘fraid so.
(The Mayor, Fiona and Kitty kneel over Sluice kneel. Fiona puts Sammy’s head in her lap’)
Dan. Is he dead?
Kitty. Sure looks dead.
Charlie. Sure ain’t moving.
Mayor. He can’t die. He ain’t got no license.
Max. (Delighted with the unexpected prospect of a undertaker's fee) What a horrible tragedy!
Fiona. Somebody fetch Doc, quick. (Concerned Citizen goes for Doc)
Max. Somebody help me toss him in a coffin.
Kitty. I think we should make sure he’s dead first.
Dan. You want I should make sure? (Pointing his gun at Sammy, and ready to finish Sammy off)
Sammy. (Sitting up) Am I dead?
Bart. Don’t look dead.
Sammy. Maybe I ain’t dead.
Dan. Could be he ain’t dead.
Fiona. He don’t look dead.
Max. That’s debatable.
Kitty. (To Sammy) Where’d they get you, old timer?
Sammy. Right here ... in the saloon.
Fiona. She means where did you get shot?
Sammy. I just told you, in the ...
Kitty. (Cutting him off) There ain’t much blood. How are you feeling?
Sammy. Not so good.
Charlie. (Crosses around L end of bar, to just above Kitty) He don’t look too good.
Mayor. He never looked too good.
Sammy. I think I’m going fast.
Fiona. Before you go, do you need a will?
Sammy. I’d prefer a drink.
Kitty. (Turns up to Charlie) Charlie, get him a whiskey. (Charlie goes to get the drink. At the bar there are glasses and whiskey bottles. [props])
Sammy. Could you make it a double? ...
Kitty. (To Sammy) Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Sammy. ... Just in case it’s a long trip.
Kitty. (Give him a disapproving look) Use the cheap stuff, Charlie.
Charlie. One “Old Rot Gut” double coming up.
Charlie. (Crosses to Sammy. Kitty fades at bit USL) Here ya go, Sammy.
Sammy. (Gulping drink down) Can I have another?
Kitty. (A step toward Sammy) Wait a minute!
Sammy. ... Just to replace any missing blood.
Kitty. All right, Sammy. Charlie, get him another.
Charlie. You want I should water it down?
Kitty. Yes! (Charlie crosses UL to get drink behind bar)
Dan. (Crossing a step or so to Sammy) I’m real sorry, old timer.
Bart. (He takes a step or two toward Sammy; Kitty counters L) Me, too.
Sammy. (Accepting the fresh drink from Charlie). Aw, it ain’t so bad. (Charlie goes to bar)
Charlie. (Crossing to Sammy’s L shoulder) Here ya go, Sammy.
Mayor. (Rising in place) Not half as sorry as you gonna be.
Bart. How come?
Dan. We had our license.
Fiona. Your license doesn’t cover this.
Bart. How come?
Mayor. The people of this here metropolis only licensed you to exterminate each other.
Fiona. Not the substantial folk of this here town. (Patting Sammy on the back)
Kitty. You boys had better get out of town, pronto.
Bart. Why’ s that?
Kitty. Cause Sammy’s got two big brothers, Deuce Sluice and Moose Sluice. And they ain’t gonna like this.
Dan. Deuce Sluice and Moose Juice? I never heard of them.
Mayor. (He crosses to Dan. Max counters) You’ve never heard of Two Gun Sluice?
Bart. Me, neither.
Max. (He crosses to Bart) When Deuce comes in, I’ll be delighted to introduce you.
Bart. Hold on a second. Which one is Two Gun Sluice?
Fiona. Boy, is that a dumb question.
Dan. You wouldn’t think so, if he were after you.
Kitty. (Crossing in to Bart’s L side) Deuce means two.
Bart. Just like in poker!
Fiona. They call him “Deuce” because he carries two guns.
Bart. Now I get it. They call him Two Gun Sluice because he carried two guns.
Dan. Right. But why do they call him Deuce?
Mayor and Fiona. Because he carries two guns!
Dan. Don’t that make four?
A farce set in the old west. Two miners who would go to dueling - if either could only count to "three." A saloon proprietress more worried about damage to her fancy mirror than the carcasses of her patrons.
When Dangerous Dan McGrew and Black Bart Balderdash, partners in prospecting for gold, decide to play a friendly game of cards in Miss Kitty’s Golden Nugget Saloon, the boys go for their guns when Bart accuses Dan of cheating.
But as the boys are about to "exterminate" each other, their
duel is repeatedly interrupted by the other well-meaning citizens of the town, who offer the boys everything from wills, to dueling and larceny licenses, and to prepaid funeral services. The fact that the duel is to commence on the "court of three," turns out to be one further stumbling block when it becomes clear that Dan can't count to three.
Further complications arise when Sammy Sluice happens to enter the bar and crosses between the boys, just as the boys finally get to "Three!" When Sammy drops to the floor during the hail of lead, Max Macabre and Doc Patch wheel him of to Max's mortuary. Unfortunately for the boys, "ole Sammy" just happens
to be the brother of Deuce "Two Gun" Sluice, the meanest man
Hilarious situations and characters abound in this fast-paced farce.
By: John Donald O'Shea
Cast: 4 M, 4 F, 5 "eithers."
Performance Time: Approximately 60 minutes, 42 pgs.
The Setting: The Golden Nugget Saloon.
Time: One day in the Old West.
Black Bart Balderdash
A Gold Miner, and Dan's partner.
Dangerous Dan McGrew
A Gold Miner, and Bart's partner.
Doc Patch [male or female]
Maximillian [Maxine] Macabre
Proprietor of the Golden Nugget Saloon
Charlie [male or female]
Bartender of the Golden Nugget Saloon
Mayor [male or female]
Concerned Citizen [male or female]
Another Gold Miner
Sammy's big Brother; Meanest Guy in town.
Mrs. Abigail Cropkiller
An Irate Cat Owner
Widow Bridget O'Hara
Very Attractive Very Recently Widow, and
erstwhile dog owner.
THCS Drama Production
We all enjoyed your play so very much! It is now recognized as the "favorite play"that has ever been performed at our school. We appreciate your creative workmanshipand humor, because this is what made the show enjoyable! My students enjoyed
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Alleman High School Production - Winter 2007-2008
Alleman High School Production - March 2016