The Christmas Reindeer
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Jack. Yes, ma’am. (To Mary) What are you doing on santasshop.com?
Mary. Checking to see if Santa answered my letter.
Jack. Oh, come on! You don’t really still believe in Santa, do you?
Mary. Of course. Don’t you?
Jack. Certainly not. That’s kids’ stuff.
Mary. Too bad. In that case you probably won’t get that iPad you’ve been bugging Mom for.
Jack. Why do you say that?
Mary. Because I asked Santa to bring it for you?
Jack. Wait a minute! You actually asked Santa to bring me a present? Why? You don’t even like me!
Mary. Of course, I like you. You’re my twin brother. I have to like you. It’s required. Some government rule, I think.
Jack. Wait? Twenty minutes ago you just said, “all boys are jerks!”
Mary. Look, there’s a rule that you have to like your twin brother -- even though he’s a boy - or a jerk!
Jack. I don’t consider myself a jerk!
Mary. I’m afraid that “jerk-iness,” as in the case of “beauty,” is in the eye of the beholder!” And that’s me!
Jack. Be careful, or I’ll write and tell him what you just said.
Mary. (Seeing the inconsistency) Idle threat! Why would you write Santa? You just said you don’t believe in him!
Jack. I like to hedge my bets.
Mary. And what exactly would you say?
Jack. The truth, of course. I’ll tell him that you said, “all boys are jerks.” That you called me a “jerk,” and that you said “you had to like me” only because of some stupid government rule.
Mary. It’s unpatriotic to call a government rule “stupid!” Besides, you’re a boy. He’ll never believe you.
Jack. I’ll tell him I stand willing to repeat it under oath. If there is a Santa, he’ll find out that you’ve been “naughty.” The only thing he’ll bring you for Christmas will be fruitcake!
Mary. You wouldn’t dare!
Jack. A stale, petrified fruitcake!
Mary. But I asked him to bring you an iPad. You’ll ruin Christmas for me, and you’ll ruin it for yourself, too!
Mary. You write that letter, and I’ll write him a follow-up letter telling him I forgot to mention all the really rotten things you’ve done this year - besides being a boy!
Jack. What “really rotten things?”
Mary. How about the time you clobbered Sara McCarthy with a snowball? How you waited in ambush for a half-hour for her so you could “blind-side” her!
Jack. It could have been an accident. An accidental test fire. I was aiming at our oak tree, and she just happened to tromp into my line of fire.
Mary. Laying in ambush suggests premeditation - malice aforethought. He’ll never believe you. And he really dislikes “kids who lie.” If you get anything, it will be a fossilized fruitcake!
Jack. Wait a minute. If you asked him to bring me an iPad, you had to tell him that I’ve been good all year. If you now tell him, I’ve “been rotten,” doesn’t that suggest you lied, too?
Mary. I didn’t tell him that you’ve been good. I said as boys go - “grading on a curve,” and all - you were “okay” - “more or less.”
Jack. “Grading on a curve?”
Mary. I was trying to be “politically correct.” He was once a boy himself. I figured he’d understand.
Jack. I don’t have a twin sister. I have a lawyer!
Mary. Bingo! And just remember, anything you say can be used against you.
Jack and Mary are nine year-old twins. Mary has written her e-mail letter to Santa. Jack, being a boy, is a bit of a skeptic. But when Mary gets a return e-mail advising that Santa’s Reindeer have disappeared, and that Santa’s Christmas Eve sleigh ride may have to be cancelled, Mary and Jack look for a way to help.
Santa, looking for assistance, has referred Mary to a “computer app,” and to try to help Santa, they “click” it and embark upon their Christmas adventure to Santa Land.
Cast of Characters
By: John Donald O'Shea
Cast: 5 women, 8 men, 6 "eithers"
47 pages; Est. playing time: 60 minutes
Mary (F): Jack’s twin nine year-old sister
Jack (M): Mary’s twin nine year-old brother
Queen (White) (F): A Talking Chess piece in Santa Land
Bishop (White) (M): A Talking Chess piece in Santa Land
Knight (White) (M): A Talking Chess piece in Santa Land
Poo-laris (E): A young polar bear in Santa Land
Samuel (Samantha) (E): A pirate in Santa Land
Frederick (Freddy) (E): Another pirate in Santa Land
Captain (M): The Pirate King in Santa Land
Elrik (Elrika) (The Elf) (E): Snowmobile “bus” driver in Santa
Tetchy (E): Warnock’s majordomo in or
near Santa Land
Warnock (M): A Wizard in or near Santa Land
Kaffeklubben (F): The Witch on nearby Kaffeklubben
Rudolph (E): Santa’s Red Nosed Reindeer
Donder (F): Another of Santa’s Reindeer
Blitzen (F): Another of Santa’s Reindeer
George (M): The Wizard’s Familiar Spirit
Harry (M): George’s Moat Monster
Santa (M): Santa Claus